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2016 job openings

2016 job openings

>> stephen: you know wherethat chalkboardwould not be blurred? on my live election nightspecial on showtime, 11:00 p.m. on the east coast, 8:00 p.m. inthe west. on this show "time" special --i will not be drawing penises,but there will be penises. ( laughter )folks, there are a lot of signsthe economy is improving, but there are still a lot of peopleout there struggling to findwork. did you know unemployment iscurrently 100% among america'sbilly bushes? ( laughter )and a friend of the show isabout to lose his job, so last week i helped him transition tohis second career.

jim? >> stephen: mr. president. good to see you again, sir. >> stephetephen. >> stephen: always the best. how did you get in here? >> stephen: oh, just-- you know,i'm always-- interested intalking to the leader of the free world. look, i am so thrilled to joinyou here at carnegie mellonuniversity.

and just like all the studentsout there taking part in thewhite house frontiers conference, you too will soon belooking for a new job. isn't that interesting? >> that is true. >> stephen: and i am honoredthat you asked me here to help. >> stephen, i didn't ask youhere to help. i still don't know how you gotin here. >> stephen: it's okay to benervous. all right?

why don't you have a seat? >> i'm already sitting. >> stephen: good. see it's starting off very wellalready. and i think maybe we shouldstart with a practice interviewand i've got just the man who could help you. excuse me one second. >> stephen? >> stephen: yes sir, just amoment.

>> hello. >> i'm randy. i'm the officer manager. >> hello, randy. >> stephen: all right. this is going to go very well. >> are you-->> stephen: okay. >> --intending to-- help mesharpen my skills-- when i go infor an interview? is that-- your intention here?

>> stephen: it's what i do for aliving. >> okay. >> stephen: we're here to findout what you're gonna do for aliving, okay? >> all right. let's try it out. >> stephen: 55. tough time to start over for aman. okay. i have a copy of your resumehere.

why don't you hand it to me asif you were applying for a job. go ahead and do it. that's good. you're a natural. ok. hello, mr. o'balmer. am i pronouncing that correctly? >> close enough. >> stephen: okay. let's see,papapapapa i don't see anypromotions for the last eight years.

that's not always good. can you explain that? >> honestly, there wasn't a lotof room for advancement in mylast job. the only one with a morepowerful position was my wife. >> stephen: oh okay. ah, good. uh-huh. is it a twofer? can we get both of you, by anychance?

>> doubtful. >> stephen: okay. so tell me why you're leaving. you say you're not beingterminated, but it sounds likeyou can't stay. is that true? >> well, i'm leaving becauseit's required by the 22ndamendment of the united states constitution. little tip. when you say staying in your jobwould be unconstitutional, whatemployers hear is that you stole

office supplies. okay? so i'd gloss over the rest ofthat, ok? >> ok. >> stephen: and doesn't sayhere. where were you born? ( laughter )>> really? >> stephen: is this the longestform of this resume available? >> why don't we move on?

>> stephen: okay, good. describe, if you can, the typeof office you would like to workin? >> well, i was hoping for a nicecorner office. or at least an office that hascorners in it. >> stephen: can you tell meabout some of youraccomplishments? and keep in mind it's importantto describe them in such a waythat it highlights how your experience might be relevant toa potential employer. >> okay, well-- i brokeredinternational deals that slowedthe impact of climate change and prevented iran from acquiring anuclear weapon.

>> stephen: okay, let's changethat to "proficient in microsoftexcel." anything else? >> well, i reopened relationswith cuba for the first time in50 years. >> stephen: i'd call that one"conversational spanish." si? it says here-- let me see if igot this right. it says here you saved theamerican auto industry. >> yeah, but nobody believes it. change that to "drives stick."

>> stephen: oh, that's good. in case you want to be a longhaul trucker. it also says here you-- youhelped tens of millions ofamericans with their healthcare. >> you bet. >> stephen: okay, let's testthat out. it hurts when i do this? >> don't do that. good. do you have any awards orcommendations?

>> well, i have almost 30honorary degrees and i-- i didget the nobel peace prize. >> stephen: oh really? what was that for? >> to be honest, i still don'tknow. >> stephen: okay, good. all right. and have you ever had to fireanyone? >> no i usually let seal teamsix handle that. >> stephen: okay, outsourcing.

okay good. now, social media, very hot. do you have any experience withthat? like twitter? >> well, i have 77 millionfollowers. does that count? >> stephen: that's veryimpressive. how'd you get so many? >> executive order.

>> stephen: really? >> and photos of cats. >> stephen: oh, smart. now, these days every businesswants to appeal to themillennials. you know what millennials are. >> i think so. how do you plan to get theirattention? >> well, i tell them straight upthat this is the most importantelection of their lifetimes. that they have the opportunityto make history.

and that the results in novembercould change their lives foreverso they have to get out there and vote. ( cheers and applause )>> stephen: i'm sorry. i didn't catch all of that. did you know there's a snapchatfilter that gives you a flowercrown? >> of course i know that,stephen. let's be honest with ourselves,okay? what would you say your biggestweakness is? >> well, sometimes-- when italk--i take--

too many pauses. in three words or less what's acommon criticism you have forothers in the workplace? >> i cannot stand it when peoplereduce complex ideas to somesimplistic catch phrase. >> stephen: we can't accept thatanswer. >> yes, we can. let's see. almost done. do you have a busy schedule? am i keeping you from something?

>> you are. is there anyone we can talk tofor a character reference? >> i know several turkeys thatowe me a favor. >> stephen: all right. good toknow. and how do you like to spendyour time? do you have any hobbies? >> you know what i really lovedoing? is encouraging the youth ofamerica to get out and vote thisnovember so that the good work that we've done over the pasteight years can continue on intothe future.

>> stephen: so no whittling oranything like that? >> no-->> stephen: okay. and-- now sir, because we are ona network television show, icannot allow you to endorse a candidate right now. but i do-- i would like to askyou about your choice of snacks. could i do that? >> sure. >> stephen: all right great. i have two choices for you here.

would you care for an extrafiber nutrient bar, which hastraveled to more than one hundred countries, or thisshriveled tangerine covered ingolden retriever hair, filled with bile that i wouldn't leavealone with the woman i love? >> well, i think i'll go withthe fiber nutrient bar. >> stephen: interesting. so, ultimately, what do you wantto be? >> done with this interview? >> stephen: okay, great. before we wrap up any questionsfor me?

>> i'm still wondering how didyou get in here? >> stephen: that's an excellentquestion. inquisitive. we like that. fantastic. well, that all checks out,mr. president. we'd like to offer you theposition. but first we have to have themandatory company physical. if you'll just-- relax and puton that gown over there we willget going.

>> i think we're done here. >> stephen: i have warm hands. ( cheers and applause )thank you! thank you mr. president! >> stephen: we'll be right backwith bill o'reilly.




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2016 job openings